I’m heading into week 2 of the World Race, and to be honest, I’m struggling a little bit. I’m feeling a lot of different things — disappointment, frustration, confusion, disconnection. But they all stem from a common root: the World Race has not been what I thought it would be.
Working through what I had been feeling over the past couple of weeks, I realized that I had misplaced expectations of what the Race would be.
Part of what inspired me to do the Race was seeing, reading, and hearing all of the stories of what has happened on the field: crazy boldness in the name of Jesus, people being healed on the streets, God moving in unexpected ways, bungee jumping in Africa, adventure, growth, and community. But what I missed in expecting all of these wonderful, miraculous things, is the entire point. If I’m going on the Race for me, to achieve things I want, then I’m going for the wrong reasons.
In reality, I’m going to serve. I’m going because the Lord asked me to. I’m going to bring hope and love. Yes, I really, really hope to experience all of the things above, but when it comes down to it, those are secondary. Because I came on the Race to be Jesus’ hands and feet in this world, whatever that may look like. Whether I get to see any miracles or not, or see any fruit at all from the work I’ve been doing, I just need to remember why I came here in the first place.
So far, my World Race journey has mostly consisted of doing a lot of construction work, and it’s been hard to see where God is working there.
I’ve been dealing with some disappointment that I haven’t seen God in a new and exciting way so far. And that I still don’t have that intimacy with Him that I desire. And that I haven’t built super strong, deep relationships with my teammates yet.
I’ve been dealing with frustration that I have to adjust to a new lifestyle in a new place with new people, not eating or sleeping or working whenever I would like.
I’ve been dealing with confusion about why I don’t FEEL like this is my life for the next year. Why I’m not missing home yet. Why God hasn’t busted into my life and changed it so it will never be the same.
I’ve been dealing with feeling disconnected from God, from my teammates, like I’m watching my own life from the sidelines, not giving every moment everything I have to give.
So, what am I going to do about it?
I will push through these feelings and hold on to the hope, and the promise, that God will use the work I’m doing to build His kingdom here, even if I never get to see all the good things I am contributing to. I will be intentional about being present and will press into the times when I feel like putting up a wall to hide behind. I will trust that no matter the timing, God will eventually use these experiences and these feelings to bring me closer to Him, and to build my faith.
When things get hard, GROWTH happens. Although I don’t know if I would call my experience hard yet, I have no doubt it will be hard at times. If difficulty is what it takes to grow, bring it on.
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P.S. A bird pooped on my freshly washed sweater today (which was the only warm coat I brought), and now I have to wash it AGAIN and wait for it to dry before I can wear it. Maybe this is the beginning of one of those difficult times.
Lauren, I pray that God moves in all the ways you wrote about but have faith that He has moved in you because you were willing to answer His call to go. This is just the beginning of an amazing journey, press in and hold on! Praying for you!!!
Lauren – you rock! What you are feeling and thinking right is so normal. You sound like a missionary!!! Every mission trip I’ve ever taken has lead me down the same road – and yours is a much longer trip than I ever took, so I would imagine those feelings would be much, much greater! THANK YOU for serving Christ and the Kingdom of God in this way. Phil 3:14 – but not in your own strength – through relying on Jesus and the strength he will provide. He loves you!!!
Praying for your journey and I know Jesus will show up, be still and also amaze you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being brave enough to go and give your time to serve. You are the hands and feet of our Savior sweet one! Blessings!
This was an inspiring read for me. I’m facing some things in my life that I’ve been waiting a long time to do because I didn’t feel inspired. I am finally learning that sometimes I just have to face uninspiring things and do them anyway. It’s been hard, but what I’ve done so far has been rewarding. Hearing I’m not the only one going through something like this gives me courage. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing your heart in this blog. May you continue to seek God’s direction as you push through these difficult times. Just know that you are where God has planned for you this season of your life.
Lauren: Your honesty is what the Lord needs! The Christian journey will always be hard on the flesh. We live in America – a country that caters to our desires. If we are hungry, we order food and it arrives immediately. If a bird poops on our clothing – so what, we have more right at our finger tips. If we don’t want to be around people, we just walk away without considering the feelings of others, but is this God’s way. I think not. Of course you don’t feel close to God right now. But once you return to a life of COMFORTING your flesh, you will experience a longing and new love for the Lord. And you may very well desire to head back to the Mission field. The Mission field is a place for SELFLESS people. Calvary was very uncomfortable for Jesus, but he knew that the days would come when people would benefit from his suffering. The joy of knowing He would have millions upon millions of sons daughters who would have eternal life because of his shed blood, death, burial and resurrection. You are experiencing the death of your flesh, but resurrection day is coming if you allow God to have his way!
It’s so good that you at least are aware of your “here” so when you’re “there,” it’ll be victorious.
A hard thing is trusting God beyond your feelings; and you are. Great vulnerability here will make for that growth you desire.
Lauren, I remember on my mission feeling that I wasn’t contributing the way I had expected to. I thought I’d be bringing people to Christ left and right, yet nothing! after a whole year! I told those in charge of the mission that I may as well go home, as I wasnt really contributing. I was told that the most important person that has been changed had been myself. As I looked back at my old self and the new unselfish person I’d changed into. I realized how true that was, and me changing, may have been the reason God wanted me out there. After coming to grips with the great changedsI’d made in myself, I started seeing changes in the lives of others around me and saw that I was as instrument in the Lords hands.
Lauren, I am so glad to be on a team with you! I can’t wait to get to know you better and see how God uses you this year!